


If only you let me

by Caramel_Roze



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Hope, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multi, Purgatory, Regret, Supernatural Elements, Unrequited Lust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 18:30:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15869325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caramel_Roze/pseuds/Caramel_Roze
Summary: Everyone wanted to give Ash something; sex, love, luxury, friendship, death, war, and the world.They only wish he let them. This is what they wanted to say to him.Warnings: mentions of past abuse, and major MAJOR spoilers.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Ash is in purgatory awaiting his judgment.  
> One day, he wakes up to find 2 piles of letters. Each labeled: Friends and Foes  
> He begins to read, but then the wishes of the people who loved and hated him take a toll on his heart.
> 
> Update!  
> If you like my stories, please check my profile for all updates on current to upcoming works!

**Prologue**

 

_“People who gave me food and a bed to sleep on always wanted something in return. Sex for example. I envy you for not needing a gun in life. We live in different worlds.”_

 

All his life, people had wanted something from him.

Though some people like good ol’ Papa Dino would shower him in luxury and dress him in fine clothes, he knew submission and being a sex kitten was what they all really wanted.

But there are some people like his gang and Eiji that make him believe there are people that won’t use him for twisted intentions and simply see him as a person and not some piece of expensive meat being sold.

This acknowledgment of his existence as a person made his heart soar, despite the fact that he was perpetually trapped and haunted by the sins of his jaded past. He needs to keep fighting. Submission for this Lynx is like being willingly put on the executioners' block, or spreading your legs to patrons despite your tears.

He’s had enough of giving people something. Giving will always leave a person in debt and that means trouble. He’s done, and the strong jagged walls around his heart hardened. Though he would show compassion to a few, he would still leave them at arm’s length.

However, this closed-off thinking has led his allies and even enemies wishing they could be more to him. Years of abuse and love deprivation does that to a person.

If only people understood him better, if only people weren’t so cruel, if only he had a better life, and lived happily ever after.

If only life had mercy.

 

......

 

 

Ash awoke to another day in Purgatory.

It was bright, but he had a view of the Earth below.

However, when Ash awoke this time, he sat up from his pillowed futon and saw 2 stacks of letters:

Labeled: Foes and Friends.

Ash was hesitant. He had been sleeping for how many years and all of a sudden, his former friends (foes too wow) has sent him notes?

Again, he began to weep.

Ash sat and crossed his legs. Then he looked at both stacks. Only a small amount in the foe pile and a lot in the friends pile.

Was this God playing a trick on him? or testing him again?

No matter.

Ash started with the Foe pile. Might as well get the bad shit over with.

 


	2. Foes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His foes want his body, his death, the challenge he poses and the power he could provide.  
> In the perspective of Dino, Arthur, Marvin, Yut Lung and Eduardo Foxx.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ash in purgatory, is reading the letters and wishes of his friends and foes.

**_Ash Lynx. Our beautiful weapon and toy. You were meant to serve us. If only you let us. We would’ve given you everything, if only you submitted to our will..._ **

****

** Dino Golzine  **

My Ash Lynx,

I realise I am your demon incarnate but you were my magnificent miracle. I arouse hatred while you arouse my love with your every gaze. However, despite that, I would’ve still given you pleasure and pain.

I would have shown you the world, and had you journey with me to my home in Corsica. Sometimes, I miss it there instead of this hell here. These abhorrent Americans disgust me. They know no elegance nor style but are walking pigs in suits. No, YOU my Ash are more than that.

However, Corsica isn’t home without you shining by my side. I could have shown you ancient European tapestries, arts and culture, finer dining, pristine balls and given you mansions and countless suits. If only afterward, you’d willingly undress before me, spread your legs, moan and open your soul for me. With that, you would’ve had all of me boy.

I would’ve shown you wondrous things. I would’ve given you anything you desired. If only you gave yourself to me, body and soul.

If only you forgot your hatred and just love me. Only me. If only.

 

** Fredrick/Arthur  **

Ash fuckin Lynx,

You know what I want from you? Your death.

I wanted your suffering. I wanted to cut off your pretty head. I want to pay you back for the shit and humiliation you put me through. I should’ve just killed you when I first set my eyes on you. If only you didn’t exist, if only you just let me have… a chance against you. Your perfect self doesn’t deserve to be in this hell hole. You belong in some castle. With some pretty chick and lived happily ever fucking after. The gangs should’ve been mine. I earned them, all my life I fought to have them obey me. And now they see me as a memory, a mafia’s dog. I don’t care anymore. **You** had to steal that effort. If only you just let me kill you. If only you let me.

 

** Marvin Crosby  **

My baby Lynx,

I wanted your whole life. Your sexy body. All of it.

If only you’d stop resisting, I could’ve given you all me, if you just gave me your body. If I had the power, you would’ve only been mine alone. Not Papa’s but mine. We would’ve made more memories together on film. I wish you would’ve enjoyed it with me more. More importantly, I wanted to see you enjoy it. If only you just let me.

 

** Yut Lung/Yau Si  **

Ash Lynx,

If only you accepted me as your one and only foe.

If only you were MY Devil alone. I could’ve given you a challenge. I could’ve been the perfect foe for you, If only you let that boy go, and just be the Devil I imagined you’d be. You don’t deserve repentance. Ever since my mother was killed in front of me, my destiny was set. Revenge, death, murder, and power. No more kindness. What has THAT ever done to people.

But now…YOU of all people have a chance at repentance. Why? Why you? After everything you and I have done, you have all the blessings, friends and even a chance at repentance?

No. No you were made for me to fight to the death. If only it was this way.

I…envy you. If only I felt that same…connection with someone.

No, nevermind. Sentimentality and “love” were never meant to be yours. War was. Fighting was. This dark life was meant for you and me. Maybe this wish is vain but ...I would’ve given you the perfect war.

If only you just let me.

 

** Eduardo Foxx **

Oh my sonny boy,

Ever since I had the taste of military service, I wanted to exert power all my life. Meeting you must’ve been the Devil blessing me. Tasting your prowess, and sensing your power was what I had been waiting for.

War is fun when you have power; killing makes it all the more fun. However, soon, I craved more than that. I wanted the world. Governments and armies at my feet, boundless luxury and willing slaves. When I had you, you made those visions a possibility.

Those could’ve been all mine if you only submitted and became mine. That Dino made you smart, but I could’ve made you more powerful than God himself.

We could’ve ruled the underworld you and I.

I would’ve served as your God of Death. I would’ve given you the heads and blood of anyone who stood in the way of our world. Our worldwide criminal empire.

I would’ve burned down cities killed thousands and raised armies to go to war for you.

If only you just let me meld you into my perfect pet, and let you taste my every desire, and you would’ve been powerful with me by your side. I would be the only man you’d want. Only I would have power over you. You would willingly spread your legs for me and me alone. You would beg for pain, and I would give you pleasure.

I would’ve given you everything. Just be my pet alone.

If only you recognized that, I would’ve given you this world on a silver platter.

If only you let me.

_ _ _

_Ash smirked at all the letters from his enemies. Pretty much what he expected them to say. Still lusting for him after death (although Arthur and Yut-Lung's ones actually left an impression on him). The rest of the letters he threw away disinterested._

_"_ JESUS _these guys are still getting boners for me in Hell."_

_He sighed and excitedly started reading the ones from his friends. Hoping to find **his** one there._

 

 


	3. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His Friends wished they could've been stronger for him. They wish they understood his pain and been there for him.  
> In the perspectives of all his friends and his love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ash in purgatory, is reading the letters and wishes of his friends and foes.

**_You’ve been there for us, If only we were stronger for you Ash. You wouldn’t have walked that painful path alone…If only._ **

 

** Griffin Callenreese: **

Aslan, or Aslee haha, you always hated I when I used your nickname,

You were my bright light. The best little brother in existence.

I know you always took care of me, even when I was mute on that chair. But I continued to love you even muted. My cherished brother. You sacrificed getting arrested when you busted me out of that Asylum. You are my hero if only I had been yours.

Even when our family had broken apart, you and I would fight against the world.

I just wish I could’ve fought better for you instead of going to Iraq.

If only I had been stronger. If only I had never trusted Abraham and just went back home to you. I would’ve given you a better life. I would’ve never let anyone hurt you. If only I was stronger and not stuck in a state of nightmares. I know you’d give your life for me.

I just wish I would’ve given you happiness instead of sorrow.

Don’t weep over me, or I’ll never forgive you. If only I could hug you right now. If only.

 

** Skipper:  **

GUESS WHO!

Don’t be sad over me Boss! You’re more in life than just crying! I was happy with how I met you and how I lived! I loved ya! You were the greatest boss ever! You were like a hero to me! You saved me from the streets and made me your right hand! That was an honour. I felt at home with you. I wish it was forever.

But…it’s ok. I didn’t live long but just know I gave you all of me and with that I am happy.

If only, I would’ve been King of the world, I would’ve given you much more. If only I was.

 

** Shorter Wong: **

Hey Ash, Boss, and best bud,

Hey, do you remember when we first met? In Juvey?

I still remember looking at how beautiful you were. You had an unwavering strength and confidence in your eyes I didn’t see in all the people I've met. The way you were so confident and shameless, but still had that epic fighting spirit.

I just wanted to say....I know you regret that night as much as I do, but please stop blaming yourself. I wanted you to end it for me. Better than any mafia dog. My life was and had always been in your hands. I was grateful it was you.

I always wished I was strong like you. But, I always thought of this, but could I have been more?

I would’ve given you more than just friendship. I wish I was stronger for you. I wish I wasn’t so weak inside and actually understood you better. You’ve been through hell and back man!

I even…I would’ve been like Eiji for you. I wish you let me.

 

** Alex: **

To the best boss of New York City,

I still remember the day you assigned me as the next leader. I was scared actually, I don’t deserve it. Like of course I thought about but never to the point of taking it by force you know? I was…so grateful. I was so confused too. But I guess, that just showed how much confidence you saw in me.

But I knew I’d never measure to your greatness. I remember when I met ya for the first time. Shorter wasn’t joking….no homo or anything, but damn you were hot!

But there was more to you of course. A body like that, and that skill with the blade? That’s double trouble. But you weren’t just another Arthur.

You were our Ash Lynx. Our boss.

You cared. You knew how to lead. You made us laugh and treated all of us colours as equals. Yeah, we had our differences. We killed old friends and made new ones along the way, but the journey makes the person they say.

I gotta tell you, God exists and you were Him.

You were some freaking miracle that came outta nowhere and I was glad to have met you. I was so happy joining your gang and kicking ass. Arthur was such a drag but you were something else.

Although, I wish I could’ve been closer to you than just gang mates. Kinda like what you had with Shorter.  If only you know? Guess I was jealous. I wish I could’ve known more and understood you better.

I’ll do my best to lead, but just know you were the original bad-ass.

 

** Cain Blood: **

Hey Ash,

It was an honour meeting you for a while. I wish we didn’t need to meet on the battlefield in the way we did. If only more white guys were like you. Like a brother. You’ve been through shit and of course, no one deserves that. If only this life would’ve been better for you. If only I could just punch ‘em motherfuckers who helped wrong you.

 

** Max Lobo: **

Ash,

No matter what you think, you’re more to people than just a pet or a piece of meat. You are Aslan. My best friend’s brother. When I heard your story, I wish…If only I could’ve saved you from your hell and given you a normal family life. When I sat in that dining table with Dino and you and heard how he described you as merchandise…I was so close to strangling him. Same with your father. He thought he was doing his best but that wasn’t enough.

It made me think. What if I was like that to Michael? Would he had turned into…you?

No, I would NEVER let Michael through what you have. We need less abused Ash Lynxs in this world. We need more Aslan Callanreses. If you were my son, I would’ve given you peace. It’s what Griffin would’ve wanted for you too. I know I wronged both of you and I deserve hell for it. If only fate allowed it, if only you let me.

 

** Shunichi Ibe: **

Ashu,

If only I was stronger, I would’ve helped exposed all the people who abused you and humiliated them the way they did you. No one deserves that. I know I wanted Eiji out of your life in the beginning, but now, after seeing him today, you changed him. He was different, but his gentleness and love for you remained.

Even if you and Eiji were on separate spheres of the world, you’re both still human. I could’ve done more. If we all had more time, I'd have helped you bring all of your abusers to justice. I wish I gave you more, just like Eiji did.

 

** Sing Soo-Ling: **

Ash, I’m gonna bumble through this but let me say…

I’m conflicted. You spared my life, but yours deserved more saving. I would’ve helped you maybe. I misunderstood you, if only I could have the courage to say this all to you. Lao shares my sentiment; he’s just a pussy and doesn’t want to say it aloud. If only I didn’t misunderstand. If only I was stronger and not dumb as I was back then.

 

** Nadia Wong: **

Ash Lynx,

I don't know if I should hate you. My brother spoke so highly of you in the past and followed you through thick and thin. Now he's gone. I've heard rumours. But, I do not want to think tOo much of it. My heart can only take so much.

Perhaps Shorter wanted it to be you. Perhaps he was happy in his last moments being with you. I wish I got to embrace him one last time. I wish I could've buried him in a beautiful place away from gangs, danger and all this. But.....thank you for being my brother's light. His life, and his friend.

If only danger didn't follow you, if only.

 

** Jenkins and Charlie Dickenson: **

Ash,

If only we understood and protected you more. We don’t have the money and strength as those corrupt politicians in power who prey on the weak. If only you trusted us more. If only you let us.

 

** Blanca **

Ash,

If only I could go back in time and just forced you to escape with me. To escape the life you currently lead. Remember when I met you? You were quite young. 

Sorry to bring up harsh memories.

But that day, I knew you were trouble. Training you was hard, but I got to know you more than anyone else. You reminded me of my wife. Your spirit your vulnerability. It was all her. I wish I had a chance to be there for you, not just as a mentor.

I was blessed when I saw you again. I was grateful. I saw how happy and free you were with that Japanese guy. But I knew that the boy had a weakness. He couldn't protect you forever. I could’ve given you escape. Peace in New York or even in Japan won’t last forever. Or perhaps you're right. Perhaps I am just vainly saying all of this just because I’m using you to assuage my own loneliness. I probably am. If only we all had more time. If we could just turn back the past.

 

** Jessica Randy: **

Hey Ash,

I wanted to write one of these too since Max’s one gave me a lot to think about.

I would’ve given you family as well. I also agree with Max. I know you might think of this as a joke, but I’m serious. You don’t and never have deserved the horrors you’ve experienced in your life. If only I would’ve found you myself and protected you somehow.

Michael deserves a strong brother like you. If only you let us.

 

** Michael: **

Hey big bro Ash,

You’re awesome! If only I had a brother as awesome as you! It would be nice to play with someone apart from Mum all the time. We could go to the park, or the zoo, or the carnivals and had lads of ice-cream and candy you know? Then maybe you can convince my mum to let me stay up and watch some TV with me?

You can help convince my mum and dad to be closer too.

You’d be a great big bro. I wish you were.

 

** Akira: **

To Ash Lynx,

If only I met you. I wish I could’ve seen you in real life.

I have so many questions to ask you.

What were you like? What was your favourite food? Why do you look like a girl? But mostly, What was being with Uncle Eiji like?

I also want to thank you for being there for him, When he came back to New York, something changed with him.

He was more aware and more alive. But then he sunk back to misery. I wish I could make him happy like you did. I wish I could live up to my name and bring a dawn to his dark misery.

If only.

But then again. Thank you so much for being in his life. You were his life.

 

 

 

_…….Ash opened and read the last letter, and it was from the one he’d been holding his breath for._

 

 

 

** Eiji Okumura: **

Ash, my love, my life,

If only…God was merciful to you. If only I would’ve just taken you away from your horrible life.

I would’ve given you peace in Japan. If only the world wasn’t so against you. No…Even if everyone turned against you, I would’ve held my own and been your shield, your friend…your lover.

I gave you my heart Ash.

You still have it.

Sing wants me to move on. Everyone does.

It's not that simple. ITS NEVER THAT SIMPLE!

I just…If only I had been stronger. More smarter and better for you. I would’ve just forced you to come with me. Better anywhere than where you are now.

You don’t deserve death. I do.

Why you why you….

…

No. I need to do this. I need to keep going.

You always found a way to stand up and keep moving. Even when the whole country was after you, even when a war was on your head, even when we lost most of our friends…you still kept fighting.

You lived your life to 100%.

You’re a born miracle Ash.

It was fate that had me meet you.

And that exact fate brought me hope inside my heart.

Hope to continue living, to keep living my life as you wanted me to.

You held my letter until the very end.

And I will hold onto this life of mine until…I see you again.

This is not Sayonara, it's until next time.

I will see you again. In heaven, in another life, I don’t care.

I know I will see you again.

I love you Ash. I love you and my soul will continue to live with you as you live in mine.

 

_ _ _

 

_After reading all the letters from his friends (while hiding the ones from Eduardo, Dino and Marvin), Ash sat down in purgatory and wept. Through those tears, he then smiled and looked down to the boundless beauty of Earth and said to anyone listening to his prayer:_

_God,_

_I’ve had an amazing yet horrible life. I always wondered why you weren’t there for most of it._

_Was I too dirty? Cursed already?_

_No…_

_I think you were there._

_You were there with the friends I made in my life._

_But the Devil was there too,_

_Through the foes who lusted, and wanted me dead._

_Maybe you were testing me. Maybe you really don’t exist._

_No matter. I’m here now. Nothing I can do._

_But hear me on this one thing._

_Have Eiji be happy._

_Let my enemies keep burning in Hell's asshole_

_And let my Friends somehow find their own happiness without me._

_Is that asking too much?_

_And with that, Ash’s soul fell asleep again. The letters fluttered in his purgatory. But he was content. He would see them all soon._

_Until then, these wishes would be enough._

 

**END**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> If you like my stories, please check my profile for all updates on current to upcoming works!


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